I Don’t Know Who I Am Without You

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Really feeling the need to share what is on my heart right now…

As most of you know, I had a baby back in December. All was right in the world. I had my family, I was starting to eat right, I even managed to get in a few blog posts! I thought, hey, I got this! I can manage all of the things and I am Superwoman.

But the reality is, is that nothing was really okay. I thought it was and maybe on the outside, it looked like that, but it wasn’t.

It took my husband to point out to me my mood swings and constant crying and dark thoughts were all symptomatic of post-partum depression. I didn’t realize it because I didn’t have post-partum depression after the birth of my first child and also, I already suffer from depression as it is, and didn’t realize the volatility of my current situation.

If you are a new reader, then yes you may not know that depression is a part of my life.

I wish, from the bottom of my heart, that this wasn’t the case, but I know, it is true.

I don’t know who I am without you…

I had a tumultuous childhood. I had a lot of stuff happen in my life at a time when the real world shouldn’t intrude the way it did. I am not going to go into any kind of specifics because they are private and personal. But needless to say, I found myself “retreating” from others for reasons unbeknownst to me, and feeling sad for days at a time. These feelings would “magically” go away, until the next time they came knocking at my door, and I felt the sadness envelop me once again.

This cycle had been the blueprint for my entire life until one day, I broke.

In every way possible a person can mentally brake, I did.

And I realized that this thing, whatever it was, it was bigger than me. The beast needed to be tamed, and I needed help in doing just that.

With the help of my wonderful husband, a caring psychologist, and medication, I began to put my life back together.

This was years ago and there have been dark days since then and that is the truth. Depression doesn’t just “go away”. It is always there, for lack of a better term, “lurking”.  As people who deal with depression, we have to have tools in place, so that when the dark days come, we can better cope.

I don’t know who I am without you…

My whole life, whether I was aware of it or not, I have dealt with depression. I don’t know really, who I am, without it. It is a part of me, like an extra appendage.

All this to say that when I was made aware of this different kind of depression, this un yet mitigated for me post-partum variety, I was defiant and also at the same time resigned.

“I don’t have post-partum depression. I am fine!!!!”

“Oh no, not another depression. Why is this happening???”

Suffice to say, I realized that everything I was feeling, the everything is off-kilter feeling, the everything is wrong feeling, the uncontrollable sobbing, it was all true and I acknowledged it and attempted to move forward.

I am here.

It has been a tough road, I’ll be honest with you.

I have had to dig deep into reservoirs I didn’t even know I had. I had to trust myself and trust God. I have had to make changes in my life that are still new to me.

But I am here on the other side.

I just wanted to share a bit of me and who I am because I feel it is important. Blogs and social media tend to show the highlights and glossy side of life, but there is always an underbelly.

Thank you for reading ♥

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I Could Never…

This post is 100% completely inspired by Courtney from Be More With Less

Courtney had this awesome email from last year that I have saved in my inbox for the past six months. I didn’t delete it. I didn’t archive it. I didn’t stick it into an electronic folder to be forgotten.

I kept it in my inbox, knowing it was important, and that when I had an opportunity, I wanted to write a post about it.

Courtney’s email talked about exploring crazy ideas and about how we have them, but tend to dismiss them. She wrote about the crazy ideas she had (she thought they were crazy at first) but then she thought about them, and followed through with them.

“Wouldn’t it be crazy if we downsized and sold our house” she thought. And guess what? Her and her husband sold their 2,000 square foot house and downsized and moved into a 700 square foot apartment.

“Wouldn’t it be crazy if I dressed with only 33 items for 3 months” she also theorized. And voila! Project 333 was born and it is utilized all over the world!

Courtney lists several other examples of how “wouldn’t it be crazy” sounded exactly that at first but ended up fulfilling so much more that what she thought possible. She asked her readers to think about things differently and see the possibilities in what could potentially be life changing opportunities.

Because the truth of the matter is, we are the absolute best when it comes to battering our own self-esteem. We see flaws in ourselves that no one else sees. And to be honest, sometimes those flaws are just figments of our imagination. We brutally attack our own strengths and tell ourselves that we could never do the thing we really want to do, because we simply aren’t worthy.

Pay attention to your self-talk.

You are not flawed. You are exquisite.

You are worthy.

If there is something in your life that you want to accomplish, I am here to tell you that you can make that happen. Don’t say “I could never…”

YOU COULD.

And you can. Challenge yourself and disregard those “nevers”.

Courtney had a list in her email for contemplation:

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Think about this list. Is fear holding you back? Is there something you want to change?

Is there a way for you to remove the word NEVER from your vocabulary and start moving towards your goal?

YOU CAN DO IT!

Turn “I could never” into “Guess what I just did!” and “Wow! I am so proud of myself that I accomplished that!”

You. Can. Do. It.

Currently: Spring Is Here!

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Happy April Everyone! 2018 is in its fourth month 🙂 Can you buh-leeeeeve it???

My oldest daughter is on Spring Break this week, so I’ll make this short but sweet!

What I Enjoyed This Past Month: Coffee and books. Period.

What I Am Absolutely Over: Too many things to list, but a few in no particular order: the news, stories that trend that are so stupid, that I get mad at myself for clicking on it, the news, and oh yeah, THE NEWS! The world has gone mad, hence my burrowing in coffee and books. It is literally the only things that make sense right now.

On The Healthy Living Front: I am eating carrots again! I know that sounds like a weird thing to say, but when I was pregnant, the baby had a serious aversion to carrots so I couldn’t eat them. They made me nauseous. It has taken me a few months postpartum to actually go to the refrigerator and deliberately pick them as a snack. Woo hoo for small victories!  🙂

What Blog Posts I Am Loving:

Stop Filling All The Spaces by Courtney Carver

I Lived on an Average of $31,000 For 7 Years in Los Angeles by Tonya at Budget and the Beach

How To Be Anxious by The Minimalists

How is everybody’s week going so far? Let me know!

Extra Square Feet = Extra Anxiety

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When I first started this blog, one of my first posts had to do with the size of our apartment at the time which was 530 square feet. This housed myself, my husband, my daughter, and my cat. And it worked for a while. Honestly.

But last year, we found out that we were expecting a baby at the same time my husband and I were starting to feel that after 18 months of cozy togetherness, the walls were starting to close in our beloved 530 square feet. So last spring, we upgraded to a bigger apartment and added another 150-ish square feet.

So now we are a family of four humans and one cat resting comfortably in 700 square feet.

Or are we?

Here is the thing: I absolutely try my darndest to limit what comes in our apartment. I freely admit that clutter and messes give me anxiety. I am also aware that I have two children who will inevitably make messes and am also aware of the hilarious dichotomy between the two.

Now to some, 4 people and a pet living in 700 square feet sounds just fine, while to others, the word “claustrophobia” probably comes to mind. And that is okay. This just happens to be our season of life right now.

I find that with the extra square footage that we acquired last spring, it is easier for items to make their way past our front door. It is easier for paperwork to pile up on the kitchen table and counters. It is easier to shove items in the master bedroom closet since it is bigger than our last one and now voila! items are now unseen.

And all of this ramps up my anxiety.

I understand that another reason we have additional items is because we now have a baby. Babies need clothing and diapers and wipes and…well you get it. They have things they need and all of this stuff has to go somewhere. My older daughter also has her items whether it is homework stuff, or her books or toys.

So being methodical about what comes in and out of our apartment is something that I continuously have to work on because I do absolutely love the size of our apartment. I love the natural light we get and I love all the trees I can see outside of my windows.

But I also need to find a healthy balance because anxiety is no joke. Clutter drives me crazy. I need to get a bit of Zen in my day-to-day, for reals…

Do you guys live in a space with a limited number of square feet? Any tips and tricks you can share? Let me know in the comments!  🙂

Capsule Wardrobes: A Love Story

I know capsule wardrobes get a lot of heat for being boring or too small, or how can one possibly get along with only two pairs of jeans or one black t-shirt?

But here is the thing that I think people may miss: a capsule wardrobe can have however many pieces you want. There is no arbitrary rule stating you must have X number of pieces or you get kicked out of the capsule wardrobe club. They don’t take away your minimalism fan club identification card, if you have more than one striped shirt.

A capsule wardrobe can have however many pieces that make sense for you and your lifestyle.

A few weekends ago, I did a massive wardrobe clean-out of my closet. You can read more about that here.

When I was done, every single item that I had placed on a hanger, was indeed a piece I would wear and wear often. Gone were the “just-n-case” clothes. Out the door went anything that I didn’t LOVE. Yes, the word love is in capital letters because that is how I had to feel about the item. I wanted to be able to get dressed in the morning effortlessly and seamlessly. No more hemming and hawing in the a.m. trying to figure out what fits and what doesn’t.

Every piece in my closet fits me and I enjoy wearing them.

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I also realized that living in Southern California does not require two separate seasons of wardrobes. I don’t need to have separate winter and summer clothing because our weather here just really requires a healthy affinity for layering.

For example, in the winter it can be in the 60’s during the day. But we will also have random days during winter where it can be 75F or 80F outside. And then at night, it can drop down into the 40’s. So being here just requires layering of clothes for when it is cold. No layering required if it is warm 🙂

Now that may not be the exact definition when it comes to capsule wardrobes but the beauty of the thing, is that it works for wherever you live, whatever climate you are currently habitating.

My learning of capsule wardrobes and how to utilize then came from the blog of Jessica Rose Williams and her printable helped me do my sorting!  🙂

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I also learned quite a bit from blogger Sarah Anne Hayes. She has this super informative article, Slow Fashion For a Simple Life, which I found to be super helpful.

“We associate comfort with things like yoga pants and oversized t-shirts and convince ourselves we just have to deal with pants that dig into our waist and shoes we can barely walk in. The truth is, you can look amazing and be comfortable if you choose to be. You don’t have to sacrifice function for fashion”. -Sarah Anne Hayes

For me personally, I guess I would call my style “California Casual”. My every day outfit is jeans and a t-shirt, and a pair of Converse. If it is chilly outside, I throw on a cardigan or a sweater/jacket. In the summer, my converse are still worn, but I also wear flip-flops. My jeans make way for shorts, and occasionally I am rocking a tank-top.

That’s it. No other bells and whistles.

I also tend to wear the same colors over and over again. I have reached an age where I know what colors go with my skin tone and which do not. I am also not a big color person to begin with, so neutrals have always been my go-to.

When I sorted out my closet, I stuck to a specific palate to make it easier to get dressed. I stuck to four colors as these are the ones I tend to wear over and over again:

• Grey

• White

• Blue

• Khaki or Olive Green

That’s it. Those are my four main colors. I do own a black cardigan as well a black skirt and even though those two items don’t fall into my main four colors category, that is okay. The skirt is an all-purpose skirt which can be worn to just about anything, be it church or a night out. I have owned this skirt for over 15 years and that baby has held up all this time! I am not going to get rid of it just because it isn’t a specific color that I normally like. I don’t like wearing dresses or skirts to begin with, so having just one skirt to fit all my needs, works perfectly for me!

My closet is functional and it actually is nice to have a bunch of empty hangers!

I know this post is super long, but if there is anything that I missed that you have questions about or are curious and wondering just how many pieces of clothing I actually own, please let me know in the comments!  😉

Minimizing: Wardrobe Declutter

So I mentioned last month that my goal for March is to simplify. March is the start of Spring here in the states and everything seems fresh and new. A perfect time to get rid of what’s been weighing me down.

I decided to start with my wardrobe.

I do not have a ton of clothes, nor are they super stylish (read: expensive). I am not a fashion blogger or fashionista by any stretch of the imagination. I do not own clothes with price tags still attached or super trendy accessories.

But…

I will hold on to “just in case” clothes. You know what I am referring to, right? “Well, I’ll keep these pants which are too big, just in case I go up a size” or “This skirt isn’t really my style, but I might have an occasion to wear it so I’ll keep it just in case“.

Sound familiar?

I also will tend to hold on to shirts that have long passed their expiration date. They are either stretched out of shape from repeated washings, have holes, stains, or their color has faded.

In order to simplify my wardrobe and get rid of items I no longer use, I read up on capsule wardrobes which basically are a set amount, a very small amount actually, of clothing/accessories that you use and most articles I have read, have it set up seasonally. Meaning, your capsule wardrobe for winter will look different when you put together your capsule wardrobe for summer.

But here is the thing: I live in Southern California. While it has been cold the past few days, our winters are usually very mild. Unless you live in a snow-prevalent area, your winter wardrobe isn’t anything to write home about.  I am sure most So-Cal’ers own several pairs of shorts and flip-flops.

So when I started to ruthlessly attack my wardrobe this weekend, I kept in mind several things.

One, is the item wearable? Does it have holes? Is it tattered?

Two, when is the last time I wore the item? I know most people operate under the six months rule, which states, if you haven’t worn something in six months, you are never going to wear it, and should just toss it. However, six months ago I was pregnant, so I can’t operate under that particular dictum.

Three, is the item comfortable? Is it itchy? Do I get hot wearing it? Is it too tight? Too big?

Four, do I like the color of the item? Does this color reflect well on me?

Five, do I genuinely enjoy wearing the item? Or am I just meh about it?

These are the criteria I came up with for myself when going through my wardrobe. And by the time I was done, I had three separate piles of clothes to donate.

Some are maternity clothes which I hope some mama-to-be out there will enjoy!

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I also got rid of some scarves I have had for at least 20 years. Me, who hates scarves with an ever-loving passion. I always feel like I am being strangled whenever I wear one. See also: turtlenecks. And again, I live somewhere where they really aren’t needed.

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I have empty hangers in my closet which makes me happy! I will be spending a bit of money to replace a white t-shirt I have that is stained, because I wear white t-shirts several times a week.

I am thrilled with my results from the weekend and I can’t wait to share with you some more tidbits I learned with this project!

RELATED POST: When Organizing Stops Working

RELATED POST: The Joy of Less: A Book Review

As The Page Turns: 2018 Reads So Far…

Last year my reading goal for the year was 50 books. I set my bar low just in case while dealing with pregnancy, I wouldn’t be able to read as much as usual. I ended up reading 69 books in 2017  🙂

This year, I set my goal pretty low (25 books) because I have a baby. There is just not the free time I used to have to be able to devour books. However, I have been able to sneak in some reading here and there during nap time (hers not mine), and here is what I have read so far since the beginning of the year:

Breathe Mama, Breathe by Shonda Moralis

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I enjoyed reading this book about mindfulness for mamas because let’s face it, there are times when being a mom can get the best of us. This book shows how to have mini meditation breaks during the day and still keep your sanity while taking care of your kiddos! Definitely recommend for mamas no matter what stage of parenting you are in.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith

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LOVED THIS BOOK! I seriously had all the feelings about this novel and it is truly such a great read. This book about a young girl’s life in the early 1900’s in Brooklyn, is so good!

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

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Guys… I wanted to like this book. I really did. I adore Plath’s poetry and I thought I would feel the same about her stand-alone novel published right around the time of her suicide, but I just couldn’t. This book, which is a fictionalized version of Plath’s actual nervous breakdown and subsequent shock therapies, just really did not pull me in, as the main character wasn’t one that you could really understand and therefore, it was hard to sympathize with her subsequent downward spirals. I empathized with her plight, but felt not enough was explained as to how she got there.

A Talent For Murder by Andrew Wilson

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Meh… I was so looking forward to reading this book and was just completely disappointed. Agatha Christie, the mystery novelist, really did disappear for 9 days in 1926, and this author decided to take that true story and put his own fictionalized twist on it. The results were underwhelming. I feel that some bad guy telling Agatha Christie to commit a murder for him or else he tells the world that her husband is having an affair and Christie agrees to do what he says, in order to forsake unwanted publicity, seems far-fetched to say the least.

The Address by Fiona Shaw

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Such a great read!! This book which flips back and forth between 1885 and 1985 is so, so good! And it really is so interesting and the author gives great detail about how New York was in the late 1800’s.

The Year of Less by Cait Flanders

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Cait blogs about mindfulness, minimalism, and personal finance. She wrote a book about how she decluttered her life and went on a shopping ban for a year and all the lessons she learned along the way. I have been reading Cait’s blog for years, so it was super cool to finally read her book! 🙂 I really enjoyed reading it.

And if y’all are interested in what I am currently reading, I post pictures of ’em over on Instagram. All the pictures in this post are from my account. Stop by and say hi!  🙂

What are you guys reading?

 

Let It Go

January is upon us and with it comes the expectation to be more and do more. Goals and resolutions start with this year of new, and pretty soon, we will all be knee-deep in regret of not accomplishing anything past the first of February and wallowing in self-pity.

Although I personally subscribe to the philosophy of having a “word” to encompass what I want the year to look like, lofty unattainable goals and feeling like something has to be accomplished, really and truly need to fall by the wayside.

Let all that $%!* go…

Let 2018 be the year that you LET IT GO.

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Let go of:

  • the need to be someone you aren’t
  • inhibitions that prevent you from being your true self
  • expectations that you unfairly put on yourself
  • self-loathing and feeling inferior

Let go of all that is unnecessarily weighing you down. Whatever you are fighting, whatever you are struggling with, whatever is causing you to have sleepless nights…

Let. It. Go.

2017 was a messy year, let’s be honest. But here is a chance to make 2018 better.

As someone who can frequently get inside her own head and ruminate for hours on the past and decisions that should have been made differently, I can tell you that it is a fruitless exercise. A futile enterprise not worthy of anyone’s time.

If you are carrying the past, tethered to its mores, anchored to its beam, it is time to let it go. The past only lives because you give it life.

Let me repeat that.

The past only lives because YOU give it life.

If you feel that your past is weighing you down, the expectation of unfulfilled thoughts and dreams mirrored back in your reflection, turn the page. Get a new outlook. Change the station. Put the past in its proper place and move on.

Life is short and it goes by fast.

Please don’t spend the next 300 plus days of this year moored in regret.

Let it go.

There is an oft-quoted sentence that states “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results”.

Is this you? Are you doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome, yet it never happens?

Move on and let it go.

Remove the negative and replace it with the positive.

2018 is the year you are going to soar.

All you need to do is let go.

A Magical Rose Garden

I mentioned last month that I read the book Destination Simple by Brooke McAlary. Her book was about the concept of slow living and really being intentional with your time and your days.

Well, in between some of the chapters she had quotes from famous people that were apropos to what she was discussing. This quote from Dale Carnegie, the best-selling author of the book How To Win Friends and Influence People, really resonated with me:

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Powerful quote, right?

I feel as if us humans, especially in this day and age, are always looking for something better. Something more than what we have. A better iPhone, when the one we have is in perfect working order. A bigger house when the square footage we have fits us just fine. A tropical vacation just like the one our friends took on Instagram except bigger and better! And more tropical-ly.

But what about what we have right now? Is it enough? If it isn’t enough, why not?

It reminds me of another quote and I am not sure who originated it, but it goes something like “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side”, which is usually followed up with some adage about “watering your own lawn”. As in, pay attention to what you have, and not what you don’t.

Sure there are things in life we’d like to attain or achieve, that is only natural. But the lamenting about what we do not have or not appreciating what is right in front of us, that can be your proverbial magic garden.

Putting off today for something magically happening in the future, that too, can be your proverbial magic garden.

I know life is not all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. Life ain’t easy and at times, it can be downright frustrating.

But don’t put off living your life. Don’t wait for someday.

Make someday, today.

We only get one life. We only get one chance to live the life that we truly want.

Don’t put off living. Enjoy those roses blooming outside your window.

There is no magical rose garden over the horizon…

My 2017 Goal of Wellness: The Highs and Lows

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Back in January of this year, I wrote a post entitled “2017: The Year of Wellness”. In this post I described how setting goals just doesn’t work for me because I end up breaking them by February and then getting down on myself for not realizing all of my resolutions.

Instead I chose a word, just one word, to encompass what I wanted to accomplish holistically for myself, for the year 2017. And I choose the word: Well.

Be Well. Feel Well. Live Well.

I wanted to be well physically and considering that I lost 30 pounds in 2016, I definitely wanted to continue down this path and become a healthier version of myself.

I wanted to be well emotionally. I wanted to get into yoga and do meditation on a regular basis. I also wanted to continue to minimize the items we had in our apartment and pare down the clutter, which in excess, can give me anxiety.

Finally I wanted to well financially. Sell some stuff, save some money, pay off some debt. Do what needs to be done.

Those were items that I wanted to continue to work on during the course of 2017 and always remember to be well.

How did I do and why I am writing this in November when we still have technically two months left in the year?

Bet you know the answer!  😉

Yup, because of my pregnancy and the baby who will making their debut in the next several weeks!

When we found out that I was pregnant in late Spring, certain things had to be gently laid aside and that totally makes sense in the grand scheme of things. For example, I kept up my daily meditation until my morning sickness kicked in and it was all I could do to stay functioning. The exhaustion mixed with the constant nausea made it impossible to pay attention to anything, let alone meditation or even attempting to do any yoga.

I did walk whenever I could and continue to try to walk now, but I am in the waddling stage and I can’t go very far for too long of a period, but I try to do what I can.

With the exception of crazy cravings, I do continue to try to eat healthy.

I have done really well in the decluttering and minimizing aspects that I wanted to accomplish this year. You can read more about that here and here.

With the help of my husband, we did get rid of a lot of things that just were not conducive to the kind of clutter-free living that we were desiring. I am a huge bookworm and I made myself honestly look at the books that adorned my shelves and posed the value question. “Do I get value out of this?” “Am I really going to read this book again?” If the answer was no, we sold the books. And this is just one example of items that we got rid of.

We did pay off some bills this year and our savings account is chugging along, I am happy to say!

Be Well. Feel Well. Live Well.

I believe that I still lived my year of wellness for 2017 even though I’ve been pregnant for most of it. You have to be healthy physically and emotionally for your baby that is growing inside of you. Wellness is a part of your life even if you may not realize it when you are living for two people.

And I realize that there is still time to go before 2017 is over and I could have written this follow-up post at the end of December or the beginning of January, but I am being proactive because I already know that once the baby is here, blogging will fall down the list of priorities and I wanted to share this with you before that happens!  🙂

How have you guys done with your intentions for 2017? Let me know in the comments!